moving forward

i have often wondered about applying ginger to my most intimate places, Bear and i have taken a bit of a back seat recently, other things have taken the majority of our attention in the last few months, however now we have the time and the energy to concentrate on moving our relationship on, i am sure we will experiment with new things over the next few months.

I spent the last few months assessing things, re-assessing things, the other day i spoke to Bear about his control of me, and how i felt that i was ready to move forward in our relationship. Bear was pleased with this announcement and i think i proved how ready i was by explaining to him what i felt was missing, what it was i was looking for now that i hadnt looked for before.

I explained that i now wanted Bear to excercise his control at random times, because he wanted too, because at that moment in time he wanted me to feel the embarressment of what he had asked me to do, he wanted me to feel the intesity of our hidden or secret task.

Bear asked me to drive to work and home from work with no knickers on. It was mentally uncomfortable, but incredibly exciting at the same time. It was something i had never done in that way before, i have of course been asked to remove my knickers to drive for a couple of minutes to meet him, but never to drive to work without knickers, and then drive home again with no chance of a meeting.

Bears control is as strong as ever, is as intense and fulfilling as ever.

I adore this new step in our relationship

Im so horny (again)

So, here we are again, or should i say here I am again!

Bear seems to have decided that i must remain horny for a while. To be honest it has been a while since we did anything kinky, or even remotely sexy, so to suddenly have someone paying my sexual needs some attention is very welcome, and very frustrating!

The problem is, that having had such a long sexual drought, my desires are awakened rather rapidly and i seem to have gone from not interested to horny slut in minutes.

Bear was talking to me, quite innocently about how he likes to play games, about how he wanted to frustrate me, and within a few sentences i was getting damp down there.

Bear allowed me the privilidge of pleasuring him last night, i was allowed to have him torment my nipples (i love that) and then i was permitted to masturbate him with my lips. I must have pleased him greatly because he orgasmed.

I find it incredibly thrilling to suck him from soft to hard, to draw my lips up and down his length and to circle his crown with my tongue. That in itself gives me enough pleasure that sometimes i can orgasm just from attending to his needs.

As for me... im not allowed to orgasm without permission, not allowed to masturbate without permission, so here i am, horny as hell, with Bear describing beautiful things to me, and insisting that i apply a tingly lubricant to my clit each night before i go to sleep. (all that does is excite me even more), i guess i should be grateful im not asked to apply tingle every time i wake up, like i was the other week !

I know we wont be seeing each other for a while, possibly weeks, i hope he allows me to masturbate soon, or do i? possibly not ! i can almost guarantee he wont let me have my release yet.

perhaps i should get one of those date things... to show how long since i was last allowed release, or how many days i had been tormented.

i must confess, i love feeling like this, sexually excited but knowing i cannot release the tension. knowing that it pleases him enormously to have me this way.

but i hate not knowing when it will end

looking forward to tomorrow

Tomorrow i am seeing Bear :)

It seems so long since i saw him, and so much has happened (well actually not much has happened, as previous blog entries have said).

I cant wait to see him, although in another way i am nervous about seeing him. I dont know why i get like this, but it always happens when i havent seem him for a while.

I worry that he might not want me anymore, might not want to control me anymore, might not find me attractive to him anymore. In my heart i know it isnt true, but my head plays games with me.

Tomorrow i know that he will show me his feelings, he will hold me close, tenderly hug me, empower me with his control, and leave me breathless and wanting more.

Tomorrow i will be given the honour of pleasuring him, of touching him intimately, of awakening his manhood and watching it become engorged as i please him with my compliance, my willingness and hopefully my tongue, my lips, my mouth.

I adore kneeling before him, watching his pleasure increase as i willingly obey, hearing his affirmation as i encourage his manhood to grow.

I wonder if Bear will reward my efforts? will i recieve the gift of his pleasure?

OMG the bastard is back

ok, its official, i am never ever again going to write in my diary that Bear is distracted!!!

how a simple comment can have that reaction i do not know :-)

Bear came on line, after i had submitted my diary, and immediately took me in hand, commanding the respect position, and then instructing me to pleasure him in cyber. We have done this many times, we know each other very well, and the words on the screen can and do have an affect on both of us physically.

I was allowed to pleasure Bear, and i was rewarded with his gift...

Little did i know, that was just the beginning!

I arrived home from work, and recieved a telephone call from Bear, i was instructed to go to the bedroom and strip from the waist down.... and then he began

Its a game we have played before, a game that i hate and love in equal measures

Put your finger at the base of your clit and circle slowly, continue until the next instruction, then follow the instructions.

Circling up and down the length of my pleasure, circling round the tip, tapping the tip gently all according to his directions, until im gasping for air and desperate to cum, sometimes circling once, sometimes as many as ten times, sometimes circling constantly til he says stop.

Occasionally he instructs me to flick my finger left and right accross the tip, i hate and love that, hate it because i find it hard not to cum, love it because that is often the way he allows me my release.

Fairly soon i was there... a throbbing, pulsing mass of orgasm, i was instructed to stop, but i didnt want too, he made me wait for a while, then instructed me to replace my finger..."and now, we shall begin again" he said

I had the best two orgasms i have had in a long time. I am totally satisfied, totally spent.

I have a feeling, that this was my last orgasm for a while :-(

Will i cum this month?

Its been so long since my last orgasm, i cant actually remember when it was.

Luckily for me Bear is still very busy at work and his mind is elsewhere, so the teasing and tormenting has been significantly reduced !
I dont think i would have been able to go this long without release, if he had been concentrating on tormenting me. But then, i dont think Bear would have left me this long without release if he had been teasing me either.
We have planned to meet again at the end of the month, i have a feeling it will be a day of testing my resiliance and my submission.
Bear likes to push my limits, to see just how far he can take me, he says it thrills him to compel me to do things i have always resisted doing before.
Bear also likes to test his own skill, to see how close he can hold me to an orgasm without taking me over the top, he likes to see how long he can deny me, whilst still touching my intimate places. He takes great pleasure from keeping me on the edge, from watching me squirm and wriggle as i try to manouvre my body under his fingers to get the release i need. He takes a greater pleasure from out manouvering me, ensuring i cannot release by "accident"
I wonder if Bear will allow me an orgasm when we meet? i hope he will.

it seems so long

It seems so long since i was able to write, life and work appear to have got in the way somewhat recently.

There have been stressful times for Bear and myself at our places of work, with both of us going through major system changes at the same time. Work has always been put before our relationship as we have bills to pay, so sometimes "we" have to take a back seat. Unfortunately this is one of those times, luckily, the end is in sight for both of us and we both have just a few more weeks of hectic schedule to get through.

Bear still rocks my world, still thrills and excites me. Still controls me in ways i have only dreamed of before, but while work takes the front seat, our control is unseen, unspoken for a while, its more instinctive.

I know the behaviour Bear requires of me, and Bear knows that i will do my best to behave in that way.

I still dress in a way i know he likes, not that i have a dress code, but i know what he likes

I still wear my hair in the way i know he likes, Bear has asked me to keep my hair no shorter than a certain length

I still log online in time for his required time, even though he rarely makes it online in time

AND

I still dont masturbate without consent, although i cant remember when my last orgasm was !!

(which reminds me, i must get a "days since" counter on my blog to log the days since my last orgasm !)

It's not that i haven't been allowed to masturbate, Bear allowed me to masturbate 2 nights in a row this week, and i managed to ask on both occasions for permission to do so. I rarely ask, i still consider it rude to ask for things, but i felt lonely and wanted the comfort of a tormented pussy.

I knew that permission would be given, but i also knew that i wouldn't be allowed to orgasm. I didn't even ask for permission, i didnt want to orgasm. I just wanted the feeling of torment, knowing i would feel closer to Bear when my pussy ached and there was no release.

I miss Bear, even though we speak daily, several times a day. I miss the comfort of his company, i miss the confidence i gain from his active control.

The other day i was seriously lacking in confidence, i dont know why, but i had such a need.. Bear and i spent a couple of hours on line together, i was almost begging for firm control. Bear happily obliged, and we spent our time with Bear being the firmest he has been for a long time. At first i was stubbornly reluctant, knowing he wouldnt allow me to win.... his method changed and fairly soon i was overwhelmed with an inner strength and able to willingly submit to his requests.

By bedtime, my confidence was returned, my spirit was lifted ... and i wore the hugest smile !

Bear always seems able to sense my moods, to read my unspoken needs.

On a lighter note.... Bear has a saying.... take the opportunities when they present themselves.

I often say to Bear " it not fair, i cant get away with anything anymore... i never win" he knows i am teasing when i say its not fair, and he knows i wont stop trying to win

TODAY I WON !!!

Bear likes to tease me by saying i wont be allowed to cum until he has, he has tremendous control and can hold back for an incredible amount of time, he also cheats by changing position or activity in order to reduce his excitement so his need is eased.

Bear does this because it means he can torment and tease me for longer, prolonging my pleasure and my arousal. Bear will not give permission for me to release until he is ready and if he wants to cum first, i am required to wait, no matter what he does to me in the mean time.

Bear rarely allows me to have my release before him !

We had a little text conversation today... during which i text to Bear..." you will lose" his reply was " dont bet on it" clearly issuing a challenge ! a challenge i usually back down from, today i took on the challenge, and replied. " i bet you cum before i do!"

I knew i had won when i got no response.

:D

Bear had a meeting to attend this morning, which meant ( as is often the case ) that he was driving practically past my place of work. We arranged to meet at a park we like nearby before i had to go to work.

We didnt have long together, only 45 mins, but to be honest, Bear didnt need that long ! Within about ten minutes his hand was inside my knickers and tormenting my clit to orgasm. I was left panting and relieved very quickly.... but as usual, quick orgasms like that after a period of sexual torment dont provide relief, they just make things worse.

Before sending me to work, Bear slapped my inner thigh. I think i had been a bit too chirpy after my orgasm, he left a massive hand print on my leg, so clear, all 4 fingers and a thumb.

I was somewhat disgruntled that the finger marks were still clearly visible at lunch time some 4 and a half hours later !

We met again after work, Bear was again inside my knickers quickly, tormenting my clit, rubbing, and flicking it with his finger.

Bear held me there for a while then gave permission for me to cum, which i did quite quickly, he gave me a moment to recover, then clasped his hand over my mouth ( a new move for us) and brought me to orgasm again.

While covering my mouth, and rubbing my clit, he reminded me that my pussy was his, to use as he wanted, to take when he wanted.

I couldnt answer, couldnt respond, his hand covered my mouth as his words and his fingers brought me to another orgasm.

We parted soon after, it felt wonderful to have been with him again, wonderful to feel his arms around me, and even better to finally have been given release.

I had a dream

Its been some time since i was last given permission to orgasm. I am certain if i had asked for permission it would have been granted, but i still have problems asking for things for me, and would rather wait for Bear and i to be together to have my satisfaction.

Years of unsatisfactory orgams and masturbation have made me appreciate what fantastic climax's Bear gives me, so be be totally honest, i would rather not have one than have one that he hasnt either given me himself or directed me towards on the phone or by cyber.

The other night i had a restless night, i was feeling particularly horny having recieved "special time" and spent about 90 minutes pleasuring Bear in some new and horny ways.

I struggled to fall asleep, my body ached to be touched, to be explored, to be caressed... and to be held on that plateau of excitement that i remember so vividly.

As i drifted, i thought about some of the times we had, or more truthfully, remembered some of the orgasms i had had ! I remembered the time he circled his finger on my button and my legs twitched, and how it took a few seconds for me to realise it was his finger causing that reaction. I remembered how his tongue felt as it was drawn up my swollen clit, how horny i got when we played pleasure and pain in the car park one time.

I dreamt that night, a wonderful dream, that Bear and i met after work, we walked for a while and talked, holding hands and laughing as we wandered along the river bank, as we approached a bridge, Bear held my hand tighter and guided me underneath one of the arches, and pressed me against the brickwork. His hand was inside my t shirt with in minutes, his fingers exploring my breasts eagerly, my nipples erect quickly as the warmth of his touch spread across my breasts.

I dreamt i was kissing him, hard, and long, my lips and his pressing against each other... as his other hand wormed its way between the waistband of my trousers and my stomach, then between my knickers and my flesh.. straight onto my wetness, he finger slid back and forth, swift tender movements that excited but didnt satisfy.. if anything they just kept me horny.

I dreamt that his kisses got more passionate, his hand on my breast more insistant as it twisted and pulled at my nipple, his finger more evasive as it rubbed backwards and forwards at the edge of my clit.. somehow avoiding touching the exact part i wanted it to touch.

I glanced over his shoulder in my dream, checking for people walking by, as i panted and gasped at his touch, my legs like jelly as i climbed mount erotic, and wandered aimlessly just below the summit looking for the final peak that i couldnt quit find, that he wouldnt take me too.

He whispered in my ear, that i was his, that i belonged to him... words that made me melt. In my dream he whispered them in a warning tone, a tone that told me not to dare cum; so i fought my desire, although i needed have, because there was no way he would allow my release so easily.

He pinched my nipple and laughed as i gasped, he pressed at my button, and smiled as i moaned. He increased the pressure, increased the speed, breezed over my tip and whispered some more... this dream was not ending

I was horny, and wet, and wanton that night, as he invaded my sleep.

He pushed his knee between my legs, and pushed his hand in deeper, teasing my entrance as he kissed me to silence the cry that arose at the pinch of my nipple. I love it when he does that, makes me cry out or moan, but stifles it with his cock or his mouth.

"whos is this nipple" he whispers in my ear, then pinches and kisses me stopping my answer, i dont need to answer, we both know the answer.

"whos is this pussy" he whispers as his finger circles the opening, and he kisses me once more, his tongue flashing against my lips in mock torment.

my orgasm is so close, yet so far away, he knows exactly how to excite me, exactly how to thrill me, but he is equally adept at holding my orgasm at bay.

My dream ended ... as it began.... no orgasm, no climax, no release.

It seems that even in my dreams, i need his permission

Not yet tic tac

I completed the weekends requirement this morning. It was very frustrating to be so close to a climax and have to stop.

Bear has asked me several times if i am ever tempted to just not stop, to bring myself to release. I can honestly say that i have not been tempted.

When i gave myself to him; part of our relationship was that he would have control of my orgasms. He would decide when i could and couldn't masturbate, he would decide when i was required to masturbate for his enjoyment, and he would decide wether i have permission to orgasm or not.

Occassionally we have had accidental orgasms, and sometimes he has continued long after i have given him signs that i am to close too orgasm to hold back, without the verbal consent to climax, even though i know he knows that to continue will mean an inevitable orgasm, i still feel that i have orgasmed without permission. It's a shameful feeling, as if i have disrespected his control.

Bear is never angry when this happens, he knows he has forced me to cum without his verbal consent. I think he enjoys the turmoil i go through afterwards.

This morning, i was aware that i still had one task to complete before the end of the day, and while still warm and sleepy in bed this morning i reached for my vibrator, switched it too full power and held it tight to the tip of my clit. I dont know why i did it that way this morning, with no touching, no stroking, circling or rubbing.... just the vibe right on the tip buzzing away, but i did !!

It took quite a while for the effect to filter through to other parts, i think the batteries are wearing down, but when it did, it was delicous. My clit shivered undered the buzz of the silver finger. I pressed harder, and moved it fractionally back and forwards, not letting it leave the tip of my clit.. but covering the whole of my swelling with the shuddering tip of the vibrator.

I felt a warm burning feeling spread down my insides, spreading around the side of my pussy walls, and up the outside of my opening .... i felt my walls tighten..... and release... and tighten again

Then i pulled the vibrator away quickly, and switched it off.

I lay there, enjoying the spreading warmth, and wishing that Bear was with me, that his fingers were poised inches from my clit. I imagined his voice, saying those words i love to hear... "not yet tic tac"

I wish i had checked !

On Wednesday Bear announced that during the four day weekend i was required to masturbate on 2 occasions. I was to masturbate until i reached the edge of a climax and then i was to stop.

I still dont have permission to cum.

I didn't have the opportunity to comply on Friday morning, but that didn't matter as i still had 3 days off work and therefore plenty of other opportunities.

This morning i woke up late, and sleepily fumbled between my legs. It didn't take long before my clit stirred and began to swell , i felt my juices begin to flow and knew that i was in for a very quick, but very intense session.

I absently mindedly reached into my top draw and pulled out the greeny blue bottle, shoved it under the bed clothes without looking. I shook the bottle and pushed the pump action lid down fully, feeling the cool gel hit my clit.. i rubbed carefully then slid the bottle back into the draw. One squirt was always enough just to add to my feeble attempts at recreating Bears wonderful exploration of my clit with his fingers.

As i rubbed the gel in, i had a shock... my clit was getting hotter and hotter.. this isnt right, where's the cool fizz i wanted? i couldnt believe how hot it was, it wasnt unpleasant but it wasnt what i had hoped for either.

I reached back into the draw, and pulled out what i thought was the same bottle, shook it and pumped the lid, i rubbed the gel in, expecting some more of the same... but this time, the cool gel, just got cooler... my clit was on fire, and cold, and tingling all at the same time.. I was desperate for some kind of stimulation so reached for my vibrator.. switched the dial to half way and put the tip of it on my clit.

It must have found a globule of gel becuase the next thing i knew i was on the edge of the most amazing orgasm... gasping and groaning ! i pulled the vibrator away quickly and clenched my fist, digging my nails into my palms to stop me going over the edge...

For the next few seconds.. possibly a minute i had the most desperate fight, my orgasm so near yet so far, failed just at the last hurdle..... i enjoy the feeling of a failed orgasm, its a calming yet highly sexual feeling. You get a little release, but it only lasts for about a nano second and then the urge to climax returns stronger than before.

I hadn't intended to go that close, the vibrator hadn't been there very long at all, i stopped as soon as i realised what was happening. But still it happened, it wasn't an orgasm, it was a non orgasm, i broke no rules, but yet .... i am still paying the price. My clit has ached all day, my need is ten fold that which it was this morning.

I now realise that i made many mistakes this morning!
mistake number one - not checking the lube bottle before i squirted
mistake number two - not checking the lube bottle the second time i squirted to ensure i had the same lube.
mistake number three - using the vibrator.

I am required to masturbate one more time during the easter weekend. I can assure you i will NOT be using lube !

a new beginning

I have always associated spanking with pain, humilation, dregradation, punishment and other abhorrent things.

All my previous experiences have personally disgusted me, the mind set that many people who spank seem to hold is one that i find totally disrespectful and shameful. It is for that reason i have for many years now said, i dont like to be spanked, i dont like to be punished with acts of spanking, caning etc. I won;t do anything to encourage recieving it, i won't ask for it, i won't brat in order to recieve it, i don't like it.... If someone wants me to recieve it, it has to be because it turns them on, and they have to compell me to do it... not bully me into it.

Bear and i turned a corner on Thursday.

Bear has always said that one day i would ask him to spank me, i always laughed in the beginning, as our relationship grew i became less certain that it wouldnt happen. But i knew he wouldn't force it, i knew he accepted my dislike of it, and i knew he was determined to change my view of it.

Bear has tormented me sexually for many days, his teasing has been harder, more prolonged, more sexual then ever before. I am not allowed to orgasm without consent, and i am regularly reminded that permission has not been given. By Wednesday night i was desperate for release, Bear knew this and turned up the torment.. he tormented me, teased me, verbally challenged me, mentally pushed my boundaries. In the end, i was willing to do anything to get just a little more sexual pleasure.

I asked him to spank me.

On Thursday we chatted and played, we cybered a scenario which for the first time in our relationship involved spanking. Bear was wonderful, very considerate of my reluctance towards spanking, so he made it very sexual, for each spank he cybered, he rewarded me with a sexual counter part.... a rub, a touch, a pinch, a kiss, a lick.

By the end of the evening i was so wet, so hot, so horny.... i would have happily masturbated to a climax within minutes of beginning IF i had recieved instruction to do so.

On friday we cybered again, i initiated it, which was shocking for me, as i wouldnt normally initate cyber unless it was a cyber in which i wanted to pleasure him. Luckily Bear didnt seem to have a problem with me inviting sexual play and with a little banter between us i soon manouvered myself into the same position as last night. I wanted to see if it had the same effect.

I can tell you here and now after nearly two hours of his attention..... if being spanked in real life is half as good as he makes it appear, i am going to be over his knee with my legs apart on many many occasions.

His reward for recieving a spank makes it well worth it !

Bear promised that being spanked by him would be a unique experience, that he would make it enjoyable for me because he enjoyed doing it. He promised my punishments would never be spanking related, and that it would be sexual and fun.

On Thursday i began to realise that Bear might just have been right when he said it didn't always have to be the way i believed it to be.

how much fun can you have with a tic tac?

Yesterday Bear told me about how he was sucking on a Tic Tac, how he was holding it between his teeth and flicking the end with his tongue. For some reason i found it extremely erotic !!

Every time he mentioned sucking a Tic Tac my mind went into overdrive, i imagined his mouth over my button sucking it gently. Every time he mentioned licking a Tic Tac i imagined him licking at my button.

The mere mention of a Tic Tac had my pussy shuddering, it was surprising how it affected me.

By the time Bear and i spoke this morning, "tic tac" had become my nickname, i dont think i have ever had a proper nickname, my name has been shortened from my birth name and people just use that. I have never had a name just for me. When Bear calls me "tic tac" i feel so loved and wanted, so special.....

Bear continued his torment, speaking to me through out the day, reminding me that his touch is what i desire most, that his kiss is what i need most and that i am his..

The torment of today appears to be "failed orgasms" and of course Tic Tacs, Bear reminded me how much more frustrating it is to have a failed orgasm than to have even one of his really quick really rough no warm up orgasms, ( you know, the ones that just leave you gagging for more !) how much more i need an orgasm when i have had a non orgasm. How he will hold me in position and lick his tic tac until the point of no return then remove all attention so it fails. How he will build it up with delicate touches, delicate licks, feather light circling ... holding me there until i cant take any more, then rub hard and fast and stop at that split second between an orgasm and plateau so i release but dont climax.

He spent the morning call, the break time call, and the lunch call playing with my head, i happened to look at the clock at 3.27pm and my pussy gave an involutary throb, my stomach flipped and i knew..... my pussy wanted it and knew that in 3 minutes the voice on the end of the phone would say "hello tic tac" and make it moisten again.

Bear is loving my denial, loving my torment, loving my frustration.... my desire and need has heightened his arousal both mentally and physically.

As i walked up my garden path tonight, i wondered.......... how long will my torment continue? just how much fun can you have with a tic tac !!

OH MY GOD im going to die !!!

Bear was wonderfully controlling last night.

He instructed me to kneel before him, and place my mouth just above his manhood.

I was asked to adopt the breast position, he teased me that he was going to play "round the boobies" a game i absolutely hate. luckily he was just teasing.

Then i had to return to the respect position. This teasing position to position is Bear's way of making me wait, he knows i dont like waiting.

After several minutes he instructed me to part my lips, while he placed his swollen member just inside my mouth, i was not allowed to move, or lick. To do so would have meant that his cock was removed.

I held his cock in my mouth for several minutes, and then with my tongue poked out and the tip of his cock resting on my tongue... it seemed like ages before i was allowed to move, but im sure it wasnt long at all.

Making me wait, excites Bear, and his excitement was evident and thrilled me to bits, there is little i find more pleasurable than feeling his excitement grow in my hand or my mouth.

As time passed, and his control in keeping me waiting became more and more intense, he suddenly and unexpectedly gave me permission to pleasure him.

I put considerable effort into the task, as i always do and fairly quickly achieved the required result. Bear was pleased, as he fell back onto his chair !!!

Problem was, i was still horny, pleasuring Bear turns me on, and i was desperate for his touch. He touched me, and kissed me, taking me very quickly to a heightened state of arousal, then rather to eagerly for my liking ...said it was bedtime.

This morning i was required to masturbate... it was torture, no problem getting excited today, i replayed last night in my mind and was on the edge in minutes. Not wanting it to end i rather foolishly allowed the feeling to pass then started again.

My poor button has been aching all day as a result ! the slightest thought of Bear and it throbs with need.

I have no idea when my ache will be releaved, but i hope its soon

And so the torment continues

On Friday, during one of our chats, Bear requested that i masturbate this morning, and tomorrow morning. He was very clear in his instruction that i was to bring myself to the edge of an orgasm but that i was under no circumstances allowed to cum.

I woke this morning, and sleepily fumbled down there.... trying hard to bring the required result without taking to long about it. The worst thing about masturbating alone is that it takes ages to get to the edge of orgasm, and seems such a shame to waste all that effort... so i like to get it over with as quickly as possible.

This morning, my sleepiness held me back, i couldnt get much past passive excitement. I tried to think of all the wonderful things that usually get me there, but it still wasnt working.
In desperation i took my vibrator and set it too high, applied some tingle lubricant to my clit and put the vibrator right on the tip, Bear has often said he will do this to me, so i imagined it was him holding it tight against my button. Within minutes i was as close as i dared get, i kept the vibrator there but turned it down a little, it was delicous !

My body ached for release, but Bear had specifically said i mustn't..... i desperately wanted to stop, but equally desperately wanted to continue, to feel that feeling just a little longer.

I spun the dial on the vibrator and turned it back to high... the feeling returned stronger than ever, just like it does when Bear torments me with his fingers. I kept the vibrator there a few more minutes, fighting my orgasm for every second of those minutes.

Eventually, hot, glowing and breathless, i took it away, turned it off, and allowed my need to slip away into an ache.

An ache which i knew wouldnt be satisfied for a while, and which i knew would be returning tomorrow. Because tomorrow morning, i am required to masterbate once more, and once more i do not have permission to cum.

I'm still horny !

Bear and I haven’t had the opportunity to meet since mid march, but we still talk almost daily.

Last night I was feeling particularly needing and decided to cyber play with Bear. As usual he was perfect, he thrilled me with his words and delighted me with his actions. He told me how he would touch me, and where he would caress me, when he types those words I can almost feel his fingers on my body.

The way he describes touching my clit, rubbing and swirling his finger around the very tip, the way he explains in great detail always turns me on, always gets me excited. Often gets me to the point where if I don’t change the subject I feel like I will spontaneously orgasm. ( I wonder if that’s possible !)

He took me to a point of high arousal and kept me their, with intimate descriptions, how his tongue would circle my nipple, how his finger would caress my button, how he would explore my inner recesses. He would let me down til my feelings eased then take me back up there again.

After almost 2 hours of sexual teasing, Bear took me close, held me there then announced it was bed time! I was delighted, but gutted.

It’s hard to describe the pleasure I get from this area of our relationship, to know that the only person who will give me relief is Bear, to know that he will keep me in that state of excitement for as long as it pleases him, to know that no matter how many times I beg for him to stop, or to continue, Bear will do exactly what Bear wants.

The feeling I get, the buzz, the delight, doesn’t fade…. In fact, if Bear comes back for more, my body reacts instantly.

Bear sent me to bed last night, achy and horny and extremely wet.

I called him this morning on the way to work, I am required to call him in the mornings when I get in my car, and we speak for most of my journey.

This morning Bear decided to discuss sexual things, knowing of course that it would invoke a response from down there, and he was right, within a few short miles I was squirming on my car seat.

Bear is always careful when I am driving, he never takes things so far as to be dangerous, but he drops things into the conversation that excite me in ways I have never known before.

At lunch we spoke again, 30 mins of intensive, descriptive narrative about how his tongue will stroke my clit, how he will use it to circle and lick my most intimate parts. How he will place pegs on my erect nipples and pin me to the wall before pressing his fingers into my dampness and taking me to the edge of orgasm until he is ready to allow me release.

I returned to work damp and breathing hard! He loves to keep me horny, he says he likes to have me so excited that I will do or say anything to persuade him to allow me my release. He finds it amusing that I will agree to thinks that I would not normally agree too for the chance of release. He rarely makes me do those things I agree too, but he likes to tease me that I agreed to them.

On the journey home, Bear continued the torment. I pulled up in a suitable safe place and we talked for about 20 minutes. My sexual excitement grew as Bear described pinning me down and sucking on my nipples, using my body in the most delicious and delightful ways, how he would touch me, torment me, how he would show me his excitement by placing his erection in my mouth, but deny me the pleasure of sucking or licking it.

How he would place his stiffness on my lips and rub it there but not slip inside. How he would allow me to suck his manhood but not allow me the gift of his release.
How he would take what he wanted, because I belong to him.

He tells me how he will tell me to fight my orgasm, how disappointed he will be if I climax without permission, how my pussy is his for his pleasure alone, and how my pleasure is not important, but just a fortunate by product of his desire to use me. I adore it when he says those things, it’s like a match to a rocket, it sets me straight off.

I'm so horny !

Bear and i met the other day... a sneaky meeting before work, he was on his way to a meeting up north and luckily for me, most things up north mean he has to practically drive past my place of work.

Bear woke me up early so i could meet him, the plan was that we would both arrive at a designated place at 8am, and would have about 30 minutes together, before we had to leave. I arrived first, Bear arrived a couple of minutes later. Within minutes we were in each others arms, kissing eagerly, and hugging tightly to each other. Bear explored inside my jumper and soon discovered my slightly erect nipples. He spent several minutes kissing me and rolling my nipples between his finger and thumb, twisting them firmly, tugging gently at them, then rolling them again. All the while my body reacted to his touch, i was hungry for him, i wanted whatever he wanted me to have, i was his, to enjoy.

His hand slipped inside the waistband of my trousers, and into my knickers, straight to my already pulsing button. I expect him to torment me horrendously, but he very generously gave my permission to cum, as he rubbed and circled my clit, still kissing me hard, and within a very short space of time i climaxed.

It was very quick, too quick, it releaved little. But it was an orgasm and i was grateful ( for all of about 3 minutes) then i just wanted another one ! I think Bear did that on purpose, he knows that if he takes me straight to orgasm, with little or no foreplay, little or no teasing, i find the orgasm doesnt actually quench my need.

I was sent to work, still wet from my climax, still aching with need, and still horny, Bear called me mid-morning, and reminded me that i am his, and if he wishes me to remain horny, that is how i will remain !

I called him at lunchtime, as is required of me, and he reminded me again, that his touch would light a fire in my pussy, that his kiss would drive me wild, his fingers could give me pain or pleasure or both.... as and when and where he decided.

The verbal torment continued throughout the day, with Bear reminding me at almost every opportunity that my pussy belongs to him. That he controls my orgasms, and that i was seeing him tomorrow after work !!

The following night, straight after work, as Bear was returning from his meeting, we met once more. We kissed and hugged, and Bear rolled my nipples between his finger and thumb. He tweaked and twisted, rolled and tugged, his touch rekindled the flame from the day before, and very quickly i was gasping and groaning like a wanton slut desperate to cum.

Bear slipped his fingers inside my pussy lips, and tormented my clit, flicking it with his finger, circling, then flicking again. I got closer and closer to my climax, but as i neared the point of no return, Bear stopped, calmed everything down, and concentrated on my nipple instead.

My breathing slowed, and he returned to my pussy, quickly bringing back to the edge of release, but he whispered "fight it little bear, i dont want you to cum yet" so i fought... and he teased, and the more he teased, the more i fought, the more i fought, the worse he teased, still whispering "fight it" .

Eventually he said the magic words "you may cum if you wish" as he pressed against my clit in the most incredible way. But i fought, and resisted, bit my tongue and held back. You wanted me to fight it, i thought, well just for once, you can fight. You want me to cum, you can fight to make it happen. I didnt need to voice those thoughts, Bear knew within seconds what i was doing, he reads me so well.

He increased the pressure on my clit, and began rubbing up and down, forward and back, driving me wild with need. His other hand clamped my nipple, and rolled and tweaked in the most incredible way. The more i resisted the inevitable orgasm, the more Bear touched me in ways guaranteed to make me have the most intense orgasm. I wanted him to make me cum, i wanted him to make it happen despite my fight, i needed him to win, to take on my challenge and beat my act of open defiance.

Bear, touched and pressed and rubbed and kissed, and flicked in the most delicous ways until;

just at the crucial point, the moment before the point of no return...............

Someone walked right past our car and we had to stop !!!!

I was so horny, so desperate, so close to an amazing orgasm, and the moment was gone in a flash. Its often a risk meeting in public places, but sometimes that adds a little to the excitement.

Bear decided it was time to go, i knew it was, but i also think he quite enjoyed leaving me at that point !!

That was yesterday, and this morning, when Bear called to wake me up, to say good morning, i was required for the first time in a long time; to masturbate - the desperate need to climax returned instantly, i was sleepy and horny and wanting to cum, i masterbated as Bear instructed for what seemed like an age. Then it was time to get up for work, and i was told to stop. I drove to work, wet and aching.....

Bear teased me at break, and at lunch, and this afternoon sent some delicously horny texts.

My pussy is twitching almost constantly, my clit has been swollen more times in the last 3 days than it has in the last 3 weeks ! I'm so happy, so satisfied, so calm and contented - but so horny!

mind games

Bear and i hope to meet next week, just quickly for a snatched meeting as he is driving past my junction on the motorway.

We will meet in public, as we often do, and will spend less than an hour in each others company, again, this is not uncommon. We take the opportunities to meet as and when they present themselves.

Often these snatched meetings are more intense than the planned meetings than can last most of the day, Often if Bear is working away we will snatch half an hour or maybe an hour before we have to part and go to work, and sometimes we will snatch half an hour or maybe an hour before we have to go home.

Bear has already begun to prepare me for a snatched visit, he always prepares me before our meetings, he likes to torment and tease me until i am desperate for sexual relief. He says it pleases him to do this, and to make my torment last for many days before we are together. He likes it because it means i am more compliant, and also because it means i am randy as hell when we meet.

The preparation for our snatched meeting has so far involved Bear whispering, or texting, what he plans to do to me during our meeting. Not nice things; things i do not like, but accept because he is Bear. He plans to torment my nipples, he will squeeze them and pinch them in the way i adore, then circle them softly until i cant bear it anymore. He plans to touch me in almost any way he can, which will not provide me any sexual relief. He will play round and round the boobies on one boob, then the other boob, then both together..... for 30 minutes ! thats possibly the whole of our meeting.

He has said he will send me to work desperate for an orgasm (it wont be the first time) and will spend the rest of the day texting me teases to keep me excited, and then meet me again on his way home and do it all again, then just as i cant hold off any more, he will stop and leave me unrelieved again.

Bear says these things because he knows i will think about them, play them through in my mind, i will anticipate them, expect them, begin to fantasise about them, he knows i will get nervous about them too, I never really know which of Bears teases and torments he will carry out. There is no way of knowing, no way of escaping.

What Bear decides on the day, is what will happen. I get nervous in case i am required to accept some of the things i dont like, i get nervous because i know that Bear can give me the most amazing orgasms, but also he can deny me them, and he will, and he does. I can be kept on the edge of orgasm for many many minutes and then have it taken away at the last second or be allowed to have to most incredible climax, i can be given a quick and unsatisfying orgasm, and then another and another and another until i physically can't cum any more, but i havent had the banging climax i wanted, or i can be given a long and lingering orgasm that leaves my pussy pulsing for ages afterwards. I am satisfied every time, but only in the way he wants me to be satisfied, and i never know wether i will be satisfied with an orgasm, or satisfied with the knowledge that pleasing him means no orgasm today.

Bear has a way of frustrating and annoying me that drives me wild. He does it on purpose and enjoys every second of it. This is also one of the ways he prepares me for a meeting. He will tell me the things he is going to do, or is thinking of doing.

There are 3 things i find incredible difficult or hate to do:

1. ask for things

2. making decisions

3. being spanked

and of course, those are the three things Bear likes best for me to do. Bear will put me in a position where i have to ask for things, he will put me in a position where i have to make decisions, and he will occasionally insist that i accept that i will be spanked ( although so far, my accepting that i will be spanked, and being placed into position has awarded me the relief of not having to be spanked - for Bear its all about me accepting it will happen, rather than the giving and recieving)

"i think we shall play a nice game of round and round the boobies" he will tease, knowing that it is possibly the most infuriating game in the world EVER.... and then he will drop in "unless you would like to as me to spank you instead"

My frustration is building already, i know there is an incredibly high possibility that he will present that scenario to me at our snatched meeting. It incorporates all my most hated things, making a decision, asking for something, and being spanked. I am in a lose, lose situation ! the only good thing about it, is being in this quandry, is pleasing Bear immensly...... He loves the mind games, and i it pleases him to play them with me .

Bear and i met this week, we spent a wonderful day together. I collected him from the railway station like normal, and we drove back to my hotel. I always stay over the night before, it prolongs the excitement and means i dont have to get up really early in the morning to make the most of our time together.

I knew i was due a punishment for not resuming a task i had been excused, but as usual Bear didnt tell me what my punishment would be, but decided to leave me thinking about all the possibilities until the day of our meeting.

I was woken early by his call to let me know he was on his way, and of course to say good morning.

We arrived back at the hotel and despite me wanting to go straight to the room for a hug and a kiss, Bear insisted on going to the little chef next to the hotel for breakfast.

I ate really quickly and drank my drink as soon as i could so we could leave sooner, But then Bear wanted a smoke as well. Im sure he does it on purpose to make me wait as long as possible.

Eventually we went up to the room, and i got the hug i had been waiting so long for. To be wrapped in his arms was delightful. His first kiss was warm and welcoming, so much so that i instantly felt a stirring as his lips explored mine.

We spent a lot of time just kissing and hugging, re-exploring each others bodies. Pretty soon i was naked, on the bed, with his fingers doing the most incredible things to me. He tormented my nipples til i thought i couldnt take any more. Squeezing them, and sucking them, he has an amazing way of making me squirm just by touching my breasts.

I was allowed to pleasure him, we spent ages on that. It was lovely, no control, no quidance, just freedom to pleasure him as i wanted too. He was very vocal, telling me what he was enjoying and what he wanted more of. Warning me of impending release so i could carry on or slow it down if i wanted. He had a wonderful climax that seemed to last for ages. I think he was very pleased with the attention he recieved !

Then it was time to discuss my punishment. Bear always comes up with inventive punishments for me and this time was no different. My punishment was to be in two parts, a physical punishment and a normal punishment. I wont disclose my punishment, as that is between the two of us. But i will admit, it wasnt what i expected, and i didnt enjoy it.

After we had another cuddle, which turned into Bear teasing me again. He has this thing that he does, he touches and circles my button, just light enough to thrill me, but not enough to take me over the edge. He spent ages just circling and rubbing, a perfect mixture of just the right type of touch, just the right amount of touch, i was balanced on the tip of an iceburg slowly melting towards the most tremendous orgasm.

He added to it by sucking and nipping at my nipple, more tenderly than usual, but not so gently that it became frustrating. Trouble was, it was not intense enough to get me off my melting iceburg either.. so there i was, a mess of writhing, squirming, glowing orgasm, primed and waiting to explode.

When he finally increased the pressure down there, and on my nipple my climax was seconds away but lasted a phenominal time.

Many of the orgasms Bear gives me are special, they all seem to be different, unique. Each one has been achieved in a different way, with a different road to its end.

It was wonderful to just have a day together, almost a vanilla day, but not quite. Even when we have a vanilla day, the respect and control is there. But it was a most perfect day, and i cant wait for the next time.

paying the price

Bear returned from his trip away today, i have missed him terribly.

It has been some considerably time since i have been allowed an orgasm, in fact its been many weeks since Bear has required me to masturbate.

I spoke to Bear on yahoo when i got home from work, i indicated to him that i wanted to kiss him and hug him. That i had missed him, and that i was looking forward to our upcoming meeting. I also indicated that i was frustrated.

Bear instructed me that when we stopped talking on yahoo i was to go upstairs and masturbate, but that i was to stop before i reached a climax. Just the thought of being instructed in this way turned me on. But, without thinking i commented that it was a little unfair because i was horny and it had been some time since my last release.

For my efforts, i was then told i would masturbate to the point of orgasm then stop TWICE !!

At that point i decided it might be best not to say anything further.

At the end of our conversation i retired to my room. Prepared my suitcase for my journey tomorrow then proceeded to masturbate as required. I came close to my climax very quickly as i was already aroused from our conversation earlier. I stopped as required, and then when i regained control i began again. I went slower, more carefully, but once again quickly reached the point where i had to stop. I desperately wanted to continue, but Bear hasnt given me permission to cum. I gave myself to Bear, and promised to only cum with his permission or by his hand. As hard as it is, i will keep that promise.

I am certain Bear has more torment and teases for me in the next 48 hours. I have no doubt that he will take me to the edge again more than once before we meet.

In many ways i hate not being in control of my own sexual satisfaction. But the plus side of handing control over to someone else, is that the orgasms i have are much more intense, more satisfying.

Bear has a way of giving me an orgasm that doesnt fully satisfy me, they leave me desperate for more. He knows just how to do it, just where to touch to give me a climax, without relieving the frustration. Like eating a milky way when your starving, it satisfies you momentarily but minutes later your starving again.

When i was able to masturbate freely, i did so out of habit, i rarely enjoyed my orgasms, it was a bit like scratching an itch, similar to the orgasms that Bear gives me that leave me wanting more.

Now, i treasure my orgasms, i look forward to them, i anticipate them, i value them. My orgasms have a meaning now. If i am allowed an orgasm, i dont waste the opportunity, i tease myself the way Bear does, build myself up, make myself wait. I prefer Bear to give me my orgasms, i find them more pleasurable, but since i have given control of my orgasms to him, my masturbation has been more purposeful and deliberate.

I think this week will be one of considerable frustration.. i hope it will be ! because i know, that the orgasm i am finally allowed to have, will be the most amazing release for both of us

Frustrated ... and no end in sight

Some time last year, Bear gave me a task. He often gives me tasks to complete, most of them i enjoy, some i endure. This particular task involved remaining in a certain position for 3 and a half minutes. Now that might not sound like a long time, but when you have a short attention span, 3 and a half minutes in the same position, not doing anything .... is dead boring !

Several weeks ago, i became ill, and was excused this particular task. With Bear's consent i was allowed not to attempt the task. However, i never resumed the task when i became well again. Bear never asked if i had resumed the task, and i never volunteered the information that i hadn't.

In the end, i forgot that i was supposed to do the task on a daily basis.

Bear mentioned my task last week, and i admitted that i hadn't resumed the task, and that eventually i had forgotten all about it. (well, it was dead boring, and dull, dull, dull) Someone was not the best impressed Bear at that moment in time!!

Bear spent the rest of the evening tormenting me, telling me wonderful things he would do to me. He teased about how he would play with my breasts and caress them, how he would rub them, and touch them, kiss them and nibble them. Our talk is often erotic, and can be highly sexual. Having not had any release for many weeks i quickly became aroused. Bear continued... i got more aroused.

Bear stopped. Waited a while, then continued, retelling stories of times past, of torments i had already enjoyed and endured. Of sexual encounters, of ways he touches me that i adore, of things i am allowed to do to him, that i find exciting.

My arousal returned quickly, and within a few short sentances i was noticably flushed and my breathing was becoming heavier.

Bear stopped again, leaving me exceedingly wet, incredibly horny.. and wondering if he would allow me to cum.

I knew better than to ask, asking usually means a longer wait before my release, and i was aware that he was still unhappy with me because of my failed task. I would just have to accept that this was part of my punishment for failing to please him. The offer never came for me to take my relief, and i was sent to bed, desperately frustrated.

Luckily for me, Bear has been away for a couple of days, so hasn't had the opportunity to torment me further. Unfortunately for me, we will be meeting in 3 days time. I have a feeling i will be tormented further when he returns, and probably until we meet.

Bear often torments me before we meet, he likes me to be frustrated before he arrives. He says it makes me more compliant. Somehow i think this time will be different. I have a feeling this may be the first time i am not allowed release when i am with him.

" I may decide to allow you to cum, on the other hand, you might have to wait. Perhaps i should only touch you for as long as you can complete your task" kind of gives it away that im going to be put through all sorts of delicous hell when we are together.

Will he allow me release, or will he leave me completely desperate. Only Bear will decide. I cannot influence his decision. All i know is, i have displeased him, and i will have to accept the consequences for that, whatever they may be.

There is a strong possibility that Bear will spend the day taking his pleasure, and keeping me on the edge, then denying me my orgasm... he could deny me until we meet the next time. That could be months away.

The thought of such torment excites me, and scares me. I have never before allowed anyone control of my orgasms, and whilst Bear has always been sympathetic to my needs in the past, i'm not sure that he wont display the full extent of his control for my recent misdemeanour.