Fight it !

We spoke on the phone for ages, for the whole of my journey home and for most of his. I went home to an empty house, and was allowed some time to attend to certain things, use the bathroom, let the dog out, check the post etc.

My instructions were; that by the time Bear called back, i was to be in the bedroom, with everything he would require to hand, He didnt tell me what he would require, but warned if i didnt have something that was needed, there would be consequences for being ill prepared.

It had been a long time since we had been free to speak to each other intimately, so i knew what to expect as i lay on the bed waiting for the phone to ring.

Within minutes of answering the phone, the instruction to part my legs arrived. Of course i obeyed. Seemingly hours (although in reality probably only ten minutes) of directed masturbation, (touch here, stroke there, circle this way, circle the other way) had me right where i wanted to be and right where i knew he would keep me! He eased back, starting again from the beginning, his instructions clear and controlled. Return to the base, rub gently. He followed exactly the same path as he had moments before, but it allowed me time to relax a little, to enjoy a new build up, once more i followed the direction which took me to the dizzy heights of sexual need. Bear always goes slowly, takes his time, listens to me so he knows where to direct me next, sometimes he tells me to go faster, sometimes to press harder, sometimes i have to slow down. It is always a rollercoaster ride of highs and lows, sometimes on the brink of release, sometimes miles away from it. Each time he builds me up, then takes me down again, my need builds, the next peak takes me closer still. I can feel myself swollen, i can feel it reduce as he slows things down, and i feel it swell again as he guides me back to the top onve more.

I expected Bear to stop, to start from the beginning agian and take me through it a third time, but he didn't. I hadn't been given permission, and i hadn't asked for it, (I am not allowed to climax without permission) but we both knew i was desperately close. He added new twists, new instructions, reminded me of times past, of actions done, and actions to be done, to my shame i orgasmed. I had given my warning, i am sure i had. I still felt the need to apologise as i climaxed, Bear accepted my apology.

Bear has told me that he knows what he is doing, and he knows how much i can take. If i give my warning (notifying him that i dont think i can fight my climax anymore) and he chooses to continue, there is no penalty to me if i do accidently climax. Of course i fight it as much as i can, but sometimes fighting it makes the need worse. Sometimes Bear likes me to lose the fight, it shows me he can make me do things against my will.

After my climax, when my breathing had returned almost to normal, i was required to apply tingle to myself. Its a lubricator designed to make intimate parts of your body tingle. I applied it as directed, and followed the instructions to rub it in. Within seconds i was on the edge of a climax again. Bear must have timed the application perfectly, catching me just before the feeling had gone, if you continue to soon, it can be painful, if you leave it too long the desire has faded. The application of tingle at that moment in time, and the gentle rubbing it in, took me right back where i had been moments before. I gasped with pleasure as i followed his direction to rub it in properly. I knew i was close, but i didnt realise how close. "Fight it" Bear said, " you will cum again, but not yet... " a couple more instructions, and i was warned again to fight the inevitable.

I had the most satisfying release i had for a long time. All it took was 3 warnings to fight my orgasm!!!

I giggled, i dont know why... i just couldnt help myself, i was so ecstatic. I probably giggled for the next ten minutes!

Bear realised that i had enough, that anymore would be wasted. He chuckled, said i had pleased him greatly and rang off so i could recover and reflect.

The night i realised...

Bear has changed considerably since I met him, I wouldn’t say that I have changed him, or that he has changed because of me. I guess the true reason is that we have found something together that we have both enjoyed. I have changed considerably too. Not because of Bear, but with him. I have changed because he has given me the freedom to change.

Finding each other; talking about our true wants; being honest and open with each other, not laughing at ideas, or fantasies, but listening and talking them through. Being able to say… I don’t think I can do that, or want to do that, but what if we did it this way? To say these things without fear of offending, or being laughed at, Has allowed us to experiment and find a path that we want to follow together.

Bear says that before he met me, he thought he was just a spanker, but that he also knew something was missing, he just didn’t know what. He says that I have given him the desire to look at other things, to try them and to see if they are the missing link he has been looking for, Luckily for me, many of the things I wanted to experience, are things that Bear has found thrilling.

I remember, the first time I felt compelled to comply.. I was alone in a hotel room, waiting to go to a party with work colleagues. We hadn’t been talking long, in fact I think we were still at the texting only stage. I didn’t ring Bear for weeks after we starting to communicate. Bear instructed me to stand behind a chair, and wait…. That was all I had to do, but I had never done anything like it before. I didn’t know what I was waiting for, I didn’t know how long I would be waiting. I just had a text on my phone that said “ stand behind the chair with your hands on the chair back and wait”
To my great surprise, I did it. I don’t know why, I just knew I had too. I didn’t feel silly doing it, I didn’t feel weird doing it… it felt absolutely the right thing to do.

I received a text about ten minutes later, releasing me from waiting.

I don’t know why, but I cried. I had never had a feeling like it… it was such a deep intensity, and a strange satisfaction that I had never had before. To have found someone who compelled me to do things, things I would have been too embarrassed to do before, even in an empty room… (I mean to say, standing in my bra and knickers against a chair back, waiting… who would do that?)

Bear said it was the first time he had given someone an instruction (from a distance) and known without doubt that it had been carried out. He told me how wonderful it felt for him and how it had shown him that there was more to experience than spanking. I think that was the night when we both realised that control was something we wanted to look at further.

From that night, we have moved forward in many ways. We have experimented and experienced, changed things and swapped things round. But we have moved on together.

A new period of torment...

It has been 12 days since my last orgasm and on Saturday we began a new period of torment. Periods of torment can last hours, or several days. We have once had a period of torment that lasted just over a week. That period of torment ended early because I was not able to continue, I was unused to long periods of torment and we had been unusually intense during it. Bear decided that it was in my best interests to end that torment, and I was allowed some release. When Bear decides to end a torment for me and not for him, I get the most basic of release. I am allowed to masturbate until I climax. It’s not usually very satisfying, it is a release and that is all it is.

Bear says that this period of torment will be for as long as he decides and possibly will last until we meet again.

I have a vivid imagination, and can put things in my mind that have happened previously. When Bear describes something verbally or in writing, I can imagine it happening and I can sense the feelings I had or would have. As a result of this, erotic messaging or phone calls work well between us. I have a suggestive mind and can easily become highly aroused by Bear describing the things he will do to me. Once I have reached the state of arousal that he wants me to be at, descriptive words will stop and I will be left, horny and aching. Sometimes I am required to apply things to my intimate parts, tingly lubricants etc, in order to make my arousal last longer. Sometimes I am required to masturbate. Sometimes I am required to use a vibrator on myself. I am never allowed to orgasm without permission, and I am not given permission during my times of torment.

When we next speak, if Bear follows his usual pattern, he will bring the feelings back with some more explicit talk or texts, sometimes he doesn’t mention it at all for a day, and then torments me horrendously the next day to make up for giving me a day off.

We have realised over time, that getting me to a state of excitement, either when we are together or by long distance communication, then allowing the feeling to go, without me having a climax, means the next time I am aroused the feeling returns quicker, and stronger. By the end of a couple of days of moderate teasing, or a day of heavy teasing I am usually desperately horny, I ache deep inside and spend most of my day thinking of sex!

Bear enjoys tormenting me, he likes having control of how long I am sexually aroused for. I don’t dislike it in anyway, but sometimes it’s incredibly frustrating. Sometimes, when he is tormenting me, he teases just a little bit, giving me mild feelings, when I really just want it too be really, really sexual and horny. I want to scream at him “just get on with it” but I don’t. Sometimes he is really fully on from the start, and when I am gasping, he tones it right down so the urge passes, and I am left with an itch that hasn’t been scratched. He says that I become incredibly complaint when I am in torment. And he has on occasion managed to get me to promise to do things I wouldn’t normally do. (He never makes me keep those promises, he just really enjoys getting me into a condition where I will suggest them and promise to do them)

I find it difficult to describe the feelings I get, I suppose its like foreplay that lasts for longer, and is more intense. Bear enjoys tormenting me, he says it gives him pleasure to see me horny and know I will not get relief until he says I can. He says it shows him how much I respect him that I don’t find my pleasure without him.
Sometimes, during times of torment, I am allowed pleasure him, but I am not allowed release, Bear knows that I get pleasure from doing that so is reluctant to request it during torments as it relieves some of my frustration. So in a way he goes through the torment with me! it’s a blessing in a way, it means the torments don’t go on too long.

When my torment is over, and I am allowed to orgasm, usually they are immense, or I can have more than one and still take more. Bear enjoys seeing how many times he can give me release. It depends on which form of release I am given as to how the orgasm is. If he torments me and brings me to the edge several times, usually I just have one explosive orgasm. Sometimes Bear hasn’t finished tormenting me just yet and he will only excite me enough to have the smallest and gentlest of orgasms, enough to take the edge off, but not enough to satisfy my need. On those occasions he then has the fun of taking me there again and again, until I have had several, and my need is satisfied that way. Bear decides, I have no option, which ever way he does it, I am always happy that I have pleased him enough through my time of torment to be allowed the release at the end.

Decisions, decisions, decisions

Making decisions is not one of my greatest skills. I can make decisions about what to wear, or which way I am going to drive somewhere. What I will buy when I go shopping. Things that really only affect my life a little bit and decisions that can be altered later without a major issue, are easy to make.

The decisions I can’t make, are decisions which will have an impact on someone else, or decisions that someone else might disagree with, decisions that cannot be altered. I only eat in restaurants I am familiar with, partly because I am a bit weird about food, and partly because I can never decide what I am going to eat.

Bear has recognised that this is one of my weaknesses and chose some time ago that he would help me to be more comfortable when making decisions.

Once I had to decide wether we would take the bus or the train. Once I was told we would look at 3 eating places and I had to choose one, if I hadn’t made my choice by the time we reached number 4 we would eat in there even if it was a sushi bar (yuk)

Sometimes when we are being intimate, I have to choose where Bear will touch. I agonise over those decisions, in my mind, everything I do should be for his pleasure, every thing we do should be for him first, me second. Where should I choose, what would he prefer, would he prefer to touch my breast, or my bottom. Would he prefer to touch inside or outside. What if I decide one thing, and he really wanted to do another. What if my choice means I am denied a climax, or denied intimate touching. What if I choose something that he doesn’t want to do? I literally take ages deciding, to the point where Bear will often put a time limit on me and stop touching all together if I don’t make a decision.

In recent times I have become a little better, Bear will give me two options, and I have to choose one. I can usually do that reasonably easily. When he puts three options in, its harder for me.

Last Thursday Bear decided that I was due a task, and what a hard task it was. My task was to list the things we had discussed exploring over the last year, in order of preference. The thing I wanted to try most in number 1 position and the thing I wanted to try least in the bottom position. There has to be at least 5 things on the list. I only have until next Sunday to compile my list. So far my list has changed 11 times. I cannot decide which order to put the things in.

Bear made it a little easier last night by explaining that I could use “part” of an act. For example, I could say – don’t want to naked and tied to the four corners of the bed so I am on display, rather than grouping it all up in the loose term bondage. So, maybe i will be able to stop worrying that I will offend him by saying I don’t like something that I think he likes. My big fear is that the things on the bottom of my list, will be the things on the top of his list.

I know why Bear has asked me to make a list. Partly because he wants to know which area’s need careful handling, and also because it means I have to make a choice.

Distance control

We live about 150 miles apart. We see each other about once a month. Sometimes, working life means we get to see each other more often; sometimes we manage too meet up two or 3 times in one week. But generally speaking, we will meet up once a month. However many times we meet we talk to each other every day, probably more than most couples who live together do.

Distance is an issue, but it isn’t an obstruction. We don’t allow it to be. We work around it. Admittedly the modern age has helped no end; our relationship wouldn’t be the same if it wasn’t for mobile phones and the internet, yahoo chat is our regular form of evening contact.

It doesn’t feel like we are miles away, it feels like we are talking face to face, I know when he is happy, when he is sad, when he is tired, or distracted. He knows the same about me. We have ways of telling things about each other that people who share a house tend to miss. I think, because of the distance between us, we put more effort into noticing these things about each other.

Talking on yahoo, texting, telephone calls are a part of my everyday life. If Bear says something during one of those communications, it’s the same as him saying it directly to me. I treat it with the same regard.

We know how each other is feeling by the tone of responses, the sound of voices. I know when he is teasing me; I know when he is serious. I know when he is pretending to be serious. The only time I am not sure, is when he starts of teasing then changes to serious. But I can’t work that out when I am in his arms either!

We don’t share a house, but we share our lives. We are a true partnership. Within that partnership, we have many facets. One of those facets is control. Bear controls certain aspects of my life. The distance between us doesn’t affect his ability to control me or my feeling of being controlled.

I have heard many people say that distance control doesn’t work. Perhaps that is because the partnership doesn’t work. When Bear instructs me to do something; there is no doubt between us, that it will be done.
He is as sure that I follow his direction over the phone, as he is in emails, and on yahoo. He is as sure of those things as he is when he can see me. He knows that if I am unable to follow a pre-given instruction, I will have a good reason for doing so. Usually it’s something simple, an unexpected time of forced abstinence, or an unexpected family visitor, a work call that needed my immediate attention. These are all acceptable reasons for failing to do as requested. If I have a reason, I am usually excused, although I know Bear reserves the right to insist I make good the request at the next opportunity, or chose to disregard the requirement until another more suitable time.

Distance control is to me, as easy to achieve as live together control. If you respect the person who controls you, then you will do the things he asks, it wont matter if you are 1 mile apart or a thousand miles apart. If the relationship is right, if the partnership is right, you will be compelled to do what was requested.

denial and reward

Bear likes me to ask for things, which is a bit of a problem, i dont like to ask, its not my place to do so, my place is to be respectful, asking is not respectful.

I was brought up with a clear message that it was rude to ask for things.

So Bear takes great delight in getting me to ask for things. I am fussy about food, but i wouldnt ask for something to be made especially for me. Bear always says i should ask for my food to be cooked the way i like it. Just say "may i have a chicken new yorker without the bacon please" he teases. There are many instances i could list, but whats worse than that, is He likes me to ask him for things, which is even harder.

I'm sure he see's it as a challenge, to make me ask for what i want, by denying it too me. It doesn't seem to matter what it is he wants me to ask for, it could be information, it could be a gift, it might be his time, or it could be a personal or a sexual thing.

I am much better at asking for help, especially if its work related, and he never teases me about that. He just helps as much as he can.

Bear likes me to ask for sexual things, because he knows i really dont like to ask, thats super rude to do that. He says it shows his control over me when i ask him for things i wouldnt normally ask for.

He will deliberately kiss everywhere except where i want him to kiss, touch everywhere except where i want to be touched. He knows what i want, and how i want it, i am certain of it, but he deliberately wont do it, he drives me crazy! he will torment me for ages, just touching millimetres away from "the place" till i am forced to ask him in one way or another.

I remember once, we were on a river side walk, we stopped at a bench, kissed and hugged, then kissed some more. His hands wondered discreetly inside my clothes, tormenting my flesh. He ran his fingers up and down my sides, over my breasts, sneaking inside my bra. Within minutes i ached for him to touch my nipples. I moaned softly as his fingers explored everywhere except where i wanted them. He smiled as i wriggled my body trying to "accidently" put my nipples where his fingers where going. Just when i could bear it no longer, he brushed his finger over my erect nipple and carried on touching all around. Eventually i had no choice, i was desperate, i leant forward and whispered, "please Bear, touch my nipples" i asked. He rewarded me by spending ages, rubbing, flicking and squeezing, till i almost cried with delight.

He allowed his hands to wander elsewhere..lucky for us it was a quiet area and we were relatively undesturbed, i was soon desperate to be touched down there, but he wouldnt, he touched so close, tantilisingly close, but just not close enough.

I know he knew i was desperately horny, and i know he planned it that way. He loved the idea of me being torn between asking for something sexual and going home unsatisfied, it excited him enormously. I could see his excitement growing as i got more and more frustrated.

We wandered back to the car, it was almost time to go home. We decided to have one last cigarette, we kissed some more, and he touched again, knowing that would bring the ache and need racing back again.

He kissed and touched, tormented and teased, my need got worse. He kept taunting me, saying "what do you want" or "ask me then", I couldnt ask but i needed to cum, i needed to cum like i had never needed to cum before. I think thats when he realised how much control over me he had. I am not permitted to cum without his permission, and i am not allowed to masturbate without consent either. Sometimes i am required to masturbate, but not allowed to cum. So i knew i had to do something, if i didnt ask, i would have to wait til i was required to masturbate and just hope i was allowed the release i needed. He continued to touch, and tease, kiss and torment... in the end, i grabbed his hand and practically shoved it between my legs, i bucked and thrust against his fingers as they rubbed and flicked the source of my ache, until he gave me the most amazing orgasm. I was so ready i dont think it took more than two minutes.

After, when i had calmed down, regained my composure, i questioned why i had been allowed to cum when i hadnt asked. "you asked without asking, you put my hand there, that was asking, that will do for now" he replied "but remember, one day, you will have to say the words i want to hear, one day you will have to ask for the release you need"