No... means No

For years now I have wanted someone, who will say no and mean no.

Who will say wait and mean wait.

Someone who decides when I will get what I want. Who doesn’t back down to the pleadings of a desperado for “a quiet life”, to save a row, to shut me up, or because it will make me happy. Don’t they see, it would please me more to be told no – and know, without doubt that no is what is meant.
When Bear says no, he means no.
When Bear says wait, he means wait.
When he says “when I am ready” it means when HE is ready and not one moment before.
If he says “now” It means instantly, not when I have finished what I am doing, when the programme ends, when I have said goodbye to my chat room friends, it means that second.
I try to push him; I try to see if I can make him give in to me. I haven’t yet succeeded. He knows I try, he sees it a mile off. He also knows it’s that last thing in the world I want. He says he gets his strength from that knowledge that in my heart I want him to deny me. He is strong and determined, he does change his mind, I’m sure he does, but he never lets me see it.

On occasions he will wait several days and then come up with an alternative, or put conditions in place which I have to comply to in order to get the result I want. On other occasions he will doggedly stick to his decision.

Once when we were playing I asked if I could try a new position. A position we had discussed previously but had never tried, I don’t like to display myself and this position is very (for me it is anyway) revealing. I was naked at the time, and asked politely if I could put my knickers back on while we attempted the position. His response was a firm “No”, he didn’t shout, he didn’t laugh, he just said firmly “No”, I didn’t even think to question it, didn’t think to protest. The tone in his voice was enough to tell me that no amount of pleading and whining, begging or protesting would make him change his decision.

Another time, I asked him to allow me something, he said no, I begged him to allow me it, he continued to say no, despite me moaning and complaining for ages, begging and promising the earth, he held firm and said no. Then without warning, he started to give me what I was asking for, I was delighted and disappointed at the same time. Delighted that I was getting what I wanted, disappointed that he had given in, that he wasn’t the strong person I thought he was. At the very last second, at the moment I thought I had what I wanted safe in my grasp – he took it away, snatched it from my fingertips and said in the most controlled voice; “get up and go to work, you will have what you want, when I want to give it to you and not before”

At that moment, I could have cried…. The pleasure of knowing he had stood up to me, the pain of not getting what I thought I had and what I wanted. I was in heaven, and I was in hell. It was such beautiful feeling; I carried that with me for days.

I did get what I wanted, eventually, but it was when he was ready, not before, and not a moment too soon. Waiting for it, waiting those extra hours…. Wanting it and knowing I couldn’t take it, couldn’t make it happen any quicker, made it so much better when I was finally allowed to have it.

Private parts

I have always had a problem with displaying myself. To me its rude, disrespectful, and unwomanly. I’m critical of my body and have found it difficult to overcome the embarrassment i feel when i am viewed in a naked state. I have recently learned that being comfortable naked is a state of mind. If my mind is comfortable i am comfortable. I am beginning to understand the pleasure that me being naked gives Bear. He is thoughtful, and doesn't openly look at me, he doesnt yet instruct me to position myself in a way that would put me openly on display, although i am sure at one point, when he feels that i am ready, i will expected to take up positions which will display my intimate parts for him to view.

I am not niave, i know he looks, but he is careful and considerate, and makes sure i am distracted when he looks, so i dont get self conscious about him seeing me.

The other week Bear decided to show me a position that he wanted to see me in. I would stand in a doorway with one foot touching each side of the door jam, and with my hands in the air also touching each door jam. As this position left absolutely no where for me to hide, i would be allowed to wear knickers until i was comfortable in that position. I was then instructed to purchase i pair of white knickers in a particular style for wearing on the occasions when he wanted me to take that position. I accepted his decision about the position and was grateful for the opportunity to cover myself.

On the agreed date i went and made my knicker selection. I had been told that if they didnt meet his approval there would be consequences for my poor choice.

I chose the closest i could to selected style and hoped they would meet his requirment.

A few days later i was asked to put the knickers on, i complied of course. Hopeful that my selection wouldnt let me down. I stood before him nervously, blushing slightly as he ran his hands over the cotton, over the cheeks of my bottom, he muttered and stroked, tugged softly at the waistband, aligned them "Just so" then turned me to face him. He inspected the front, again smoothing the material, adjusting here and there. Then he instructed me to take up the position against the wall.

Against the wall, not a door, we would get to the doorway when the time was right, he explained. So i stood, hands on the wall at shoulder height, wearing nothing but my knickers. On display but not displaying. I was grateful for his thoughtfulness, he adjusted my position to his liking, feet back, parted more, bottom stuck out slightly (oh how i hate that) and then he was happy.

I know he was looking at me, but he spared my blushes, well most of them anyway.

As a reward for choosing my knickers well (they met with his approval) he kissed me, he kissed me in the places only he can kiss, made me shudder in ways only he can, he touched me intimately, wetting my appetite, making me want him, need him, need his touch.

Within a short space of time, my knickers where lowered, his distraction continued, his touch and kisses keeping my mind off the lowering of my cotton covering. Before i knew it, i was naked, i didnt blush, i didnt try to hide. He kept me like that for a few minutes, then he covered me once more.

He knows, that if he does the things slowly, little by little, each time it will be easier for me to do them. He laughs and says its my training. Eventually, with his loving guidance and understanding, i will be able to stand naked before him without blushing

10 months of belonging

On January 24th 2008 i gave myself to him. It was a beautiful experience, similar in fact to getting married.

He made his proposal, in the form of a series of questions and i gave my responses. We had discussed at length the nature of my belonging, and i knew without doubt that if i accepted his proposal it would be a long term relationship and that i would have to ask permission to be released from his bonds.

He had never said when he would ask, but he had told me he would not ask until he considered that i was ready to take that step. We met on that day at a pre planned time, we hugged ( as we always do), then went for a coffee.

A few hours later, when walking, holding hands, we stopped in a place that has become very special to us, and he asked me... Did i want to belong to him? Did i willingly accept all that belonging to him involved? would i do everything i could to please him?

Neither of us liked the term Sir, or Master, but i felt that i wanted a word to show reverence, to indicate that i was aware of his control and accepted it. He allowed me to suggested a few words or terms and he would choose which one he deemed most acceptable. I asked for the word Bear, my reasons were explained, and he agreed that the word was acceptable. From that moment on, in place of Sir, or Master, i would use Bear, and i became little bear, just one of his terms of endearment.

In the ten months of my belonging i have grown as a person, i have learnt as much about myself as i have about him. I was never a "naughty" person, but i wasn't a doormat either, i have always liked to please people, these days i just try harder to please.

Since we became joined, many things have changed. He has control of many aspects of my life, i was happy to relinquish that control. I have retained control in many area's too. I don't need to ask what to wear, i chose clothes i know he will approve of, i chose to do things that i know will please him. We have few rules, we dont need them. I only need to ask permission for some certain things, and if he isn't available to give permission i will decide for myself what i think he would have said. If i get it wrong, i accept the consequences of his displeasure.

The most precious rule we have, is exclusivity. I will only belong to him, and he will not belong with anyone else. That gives me confidence, and makes me want to please him more.