No... means No

For years now I have wanted someone, who will say no and mean no.

Who will say wait and mean wait.

Someone who decides when I will get what I want. Who doesn’t back down to the pleadings of a desperado for “a quiet life”, to save a row, to shut me up, or because it will make me happy. Don’t they see, it would please me more to be told no – and know, without doubt that no is what is meant.
When Bear says no, he means no.
When Bear says wait, he means wait.
When he says “when I am ready” it means when HE is ready and not one moment before.
If he says “now” It means instantly, not when I have finished what I am doing, when the programme ends, when I have said goodbye to my chat room friends, it means that second.
I try to push him; I try to see if I can make him give in to me. I haven’t yet succeeded. He knows I try, he sees it a mile off. He also knows it’s that last thing in the world I want. He says he gets his strength from that knowledge that in my heart I want him to deny me. He is strong and determined, he does change his mind, I’m sure he does, but he never lets me see it.

On occasions he will wait several days and then come up with an alternative, or put conditions in place which I have to comply to in order to get the result I want. On other occasions he will doggedly stick to his decision.

Once when we were playing I asked if I could try a new position. A position we had discussed previously but had never tried, I don’t like to display myself and this position is very (for me it is anyway) revealing. I was naked at the time, and asked politely if I could put my knickers back on while we attempted the position. His response was a firm “No”, he didn’t shout, he didn’t laugh, he just said firmly “No”, I didn’t even think to question it, didn’t think to protest. The tone in his voice was enough to tell me that no amount of pleading and whining, begging or protesting would make him change his decision.

Another time, I asked him to allow me something, he said no, I begged him to allow me it, he continued to say no, despite me moaning and complaining for ages, begging and promising the earth, he held firm and said no. Then without warning, he started to give me what I was asking for, I was delighted and disappointed at the same time. Delighted that I was getting what I wanted, disappointed that he had given in, that he wasn’t the strong person I thought he was. At the very last second, at the moment I thought I had what I wanted safe in my grasp – he took it away, snatched it from my fingertips and said in the most controlled voice; “get up and go to work, you will have what you want, when I want to give it to you and not before”

At that moment, I could have cried…. The pleasure of knowing he had stood up to me, the pain of not getting what I thought I had and what I wanted. I was in heaven, and I was in hell. It was such beautiful feeling; I carried that with me for days.

I did get what I wanted, eventually, but it was when he was ready, not before, and not a moment too soon. Waiting for it, waiting those extra hours…. Wanting it and knowing I couldn’t take it, couldn’t make it happen any quicker, made it so much better when I was finally allowed to have it.