How can i be sure?

Bear says he wants to be certain that he isn’t a spanker any more. I knew one day it would happen, I knew one day he would consider the change that has happened within himself.

He said when we met, that he was looking for something, I guess it’s only natural that he would want to be certain that this thing he has discovered is really what he wants, That the changes he and we have made; are what he truly wants.

I suppose I should try and be more confident about our relationship, but so many times I have been proved to be inadequate. I have failed my self and my partner. I seem to have consistently been cast aside for a different type of person. It doesn’t seem to matter what I tried to do, or how much I tried to please them, how much I changed to be whatever they wanted me to be, I still fell at one of the hurdles.

With Bear, I have been given the freedom to be myself, he is the first person who I truly felt wanted me for what I am, for who I am, he wanted me; the real me, the sometimes shy, timid, lacking in confidence, and at odd times worrisome person , with occasional feisty moments, often cheeky moments, on rare occasions funny moments who is as vanilla as ice-cream, and totally not into what he was into.

It didn’t matter to him that I wasn’t into this or that, that I didn’t like spanking, that I didn’t want to be touched by loads of other people, that I didn’t want him to touch other people. It didn’t matter that I wasn’t like the other people, in fact it seemed to matter more to him that I was completely different from the others.

When we first started talking I explained as well as I could what excited me, although my experience was extremely limited. No one I had met, had been able to give me enough of what I sought to make it worth “going for it”. We talked for hours, over a period of weeks, well to be honest, we texted and instant messengered, for hours and weeks ! until we started to phone each other, then we talked even more. I was sure he knew what I wanted, what I was looking for, I was also sure that he knew what he was looking for too. When we first started talking, the things I described grabbed him, captured his interest, his heart, his stomach, swirled them all around and mixed them up into a mass of curiosity ( well I like to think they did anyway )

Bear says, he wants to give me a proper spanking, so he can be certain that he has left that part of him behind and moved on, moved over, found what he had searched for that he had not found in spanking. I know, if Bear requires me to accept a proper spanking (whatever that might mean) I will accept it, I will not enjoy it, I won’t find any part of it pleasurable, but I will accept it. My pleasure will come from the knowledge that I have done what he required and given myself up to his control. When I gave myself to him I made him a promise, and I intend to keep it.

But, what if he does still enjoy spanking, what if he wants to return to spanking ladies bottoms, what if he wants to spank more than one, go to parties and be a full on, in your face spanker? What if he just wants to spank me and not share the joy I find in the control of our relationship?

Why has it taken a year for him to want to confirm what i believe he already knows, and how much longer will it be before he decides that i am ready.
If Bear is going to make the decision that he is still a spanker.. i would rather know now than 6 months on. I dont want to wait for months only to find i am not what he wants and desires.



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Sometimes it's not easy

Sometimes it’s not easy to do the things you promise to do. On 24th Jan I promised to Bear that I would do my very best to do everything he asked of me. In making that promise, I knew that sometimes it would be fun and easy and at other times, I would be pushed beyond where I believed my limits were but never beyond where he knows they are.

On Sunday, a year to the day that we had starting to converse in a serious way, we met up, and spent a wonderful few hours just being two people. Two vanilla people, there were no restrictions, no limits, no requirements to ask permission before doing things.

On Monday we continued as we would usually, I was instructed as to what was required, I was allowed limited pleasures. But this time, something was different, I tried so hard to please, spent ages doing all the things I know he likes, but it wasn’t quite that simple.

Bear has recently talked to me about positions, we had one or two in mind, but over the weekend a few more where discussed and I was required to show them to Bear on Monday. I must say, I didn’t enjoy that very much, but it was about to get worse. After showing Bear the second position, he chose to tease me, not in a humiliating way, in a physical way. He touched me softly, (too softly) in the same place over and over again, just circling round and round and round not stop.

At first it was ok, then it became irritating, after about ten minutes it became annoying, after 15 minutes it was infuriating. Bear stopped for a while, but very soon required me to take up the second position again, and he began touching again, within a very short space of time, my frustration at the softness of his touch became annoyance. It was so gentle it was almost ticklish, but not quite, and certainly not enough to give any kind of pleasure.

I was annoyed with him, but even more so I was annoyed with myself, I couldn’t understand why I was getting annoyed when I had promised to try my best to do everything he asked of me, why was I getting annoyed when he hadn’t actually asked me to do anything horrible, just to kneel there and accept his touch.
I know he knew I was frustrated and annoyed, and I know it was giving him pleasure to frustrate and annoy me, but I didn’t know why it was.. That annoyed me too! I couldn’t work out why he would want me to be annoyed, why he would deliberately do something knowing without doubt that I was getting frustrated and annoyed.

Eventually, my frustration got the better of me, and I cried, not great big yowls, just little tears, and only tears of frustration. After a few minutes more Bear stopped, and comforted me, he told me he was pleased with me, that I had pleased him enormously. I didn’t understand, didn’t get it at all. But I was happy I had pleased Bear so much.

On the way home, I got sad, I felt I had let myself down by crying, and let Bear down by getting angry. We talked all the way home, and Bear explained, he said he knew it had been extremely hard for me to stay still and accept what he wanted, and that I had tried my best to tolerate his actions, he was pleased that although I had shed a small tear or two, I had remained in my place and not argued or tried to prevent his actions. I had accepted everything he had asked of me, even though I didn’t want it, and didn’t enjoy it. He had frustrated and annoyed me to the point of tears and I still had tried my best for him.

I had promised to be his, I gave myself to him, I belong to him to do with as he pleases. It’s not easy to do sometimes, and sometimes it confuses me how I can be angry or frustrated with him, and with myself, but it never even enters my head not to try my best to keep my promise. Without the promise, little bear has no purpose.