I miss it so much

I have been a little off colour recently. Bear has been very supportive and attentive since he found out, to be honest i would expect nothing less of him. He is always amazingly supportive to me.

However, since this began Bear has also stopped teasing me, stopped tormenting me, stopped being sexual with me. He has once allowed me to pleasure him, but he has made no attempt to take his pleasure.

I miss his teasing, i miss the torment, i didnt think i would, and for a while i didnt, but now... now i think of little else.

I ache for the feeling he gives me in my stomach when he builds me up and keeps me there. I ache for the tension i feel, the rush of delight, the anticipation.

I am lonely for the feeling i get when he requires me, when he expects things of me, when he pushes me.

I feel the loss of closeness we have, the intimacy of the control he has.

I miss the buzz of being wanted, i miss the thrill of being taken, used, needed.

Bear is doing this for my own good, i know this, and i am glad that he has taken my health and my well being into consideration. But........ i wish he would forget i was ill and get back to wanting me again !!

I wish he would torment the shit out of me, frustrate me for days, keep me on the back burner until our next meeting. Usually this close to a meeting he would be beginning the pre meeting torment ! but he hasn;t even hinted about teasing me yet. One of the nice things about meeting Bear is the days leading up to the meeting. Knowing that what ever he wants, however he wants it, i will comply, because failure to comply will mean consequences when we meet.

Not doing what he requires could lead to me not being allowed release from the torment. There is no way i would risk that !

I want to show Bear, that i am, and always will be his little bear, i am and always will be available for him to take his pleasure from. And while im at it... i want what i am missing :-)

Its not always easy

This week has been particularly strange. It feels like an age since I wrote a blog, I kept meaning too, but sometimes it feels like the things I want to write are just to intimate to share, and other times I feel that I should share my feelings, that I want to share my feelings. It’s hard to write an honest blog and not share intimate details, but writing such intimate things is wrong. I shouldn’t do it, I shouldn’t want to do it. Luckily Bear is happy with what I write, and therefore I accept that its ok.

Times with Bear can be so incredible, so powerful, and also intense. Times with Bear can also be painful, challenging, and draining. I spend much of my time saying about the wonderful times we share. I think its important to also share the painful, challenging and draining times in my blog.

Bear and I remembered the anniversary of our belonging together (well as close to the date as we could) Bear had an important meeting in a town not terribly far from where I live, so I met him at his hotel to spend some time together.

I decided to wake Bear up in a special way, he was already stirring, when I began to pleasure him. He appeared to wake slowly, but with a smile on his face ! After several minutes Bear began instructing me, it seemed so unfair, he had mentioned days before that he wished to be woken up in this way, and now I was doing it, he still didn’t appear to be happy with my attentions.

I tried harder to do the things he loves, to use the movements he likes. To use the techniques he has taught me, and the ones I know of my own, but whilst I was getting a wonderful reaction physically, Bear was showing increased signs of displeasure. He was interrupting me frequently. Guiding me to do things a different way; faster, slower, longer deeper. I tried harder to please him, but inside I was becoming more and more frustrated, no matter what I tried, he continued to change his instruction, his physical pleasure was positive, his verbal expressions implied considerable displeasure.

As a way of seemingly displaying his displeasure at my attempts, he whopped my bottom with his strap, I complained, he instructed me to carry on, But my efforts where not good enough, and he whopped me again. In sheer frustration, I took the strap and threw it across the floor. I know I was wrong to do it, I know I should have just accepted his whim, but I was doing my best, he had asked me to pleasure him first thing in the morning, but wasn’t happy to just lie there and accept my attention. Once the strap hit the floor, his hand hit my bottom so sharply, I couldn’t help but cry. I had expected a reaction, but to be honest I hadn’t expected that reaction. Bear knows I hate being spanked.

I stopped pleasuring him, there was no point in continuing. Obviously I was no good at doing it, I wasn’t pleasing him and if I wasn’t pleasing him there was no reason to continue. Bear became frustrated with me at that point, but very sensitive to my reaction. After a short while, when I had regained my composure, I was asked to continue. The special moment had gone, but Bear wanted to be pleasured, so I put all my affection and love, and respect into my “work” and followed his instructions. He went to work happy. I went to work desperately sad that I had found it so hard to follow his instructions willingly first time round.

Bear should be able to change his requirement at the drop of a hat, and I should be able to react in a positive way to that change.