A new period of torment...

It has been 12 days since my last orgasm and on Saturday we began a new period of torment. Periods of torment can last hours, or several days. We have once had a period of torment that lasted just over a week. That period of torment ended early because I was not able to continue, I was unused to long periods of torment and we had been unusually intense during it. Bear decided that it was in my best interests to end that torment, and I was allowed some release. When Bear decides to end a torment for me and not for him, I get the most basic of release. I am allowed to masturbate until I climax. It’s not usually very satisfying, it is a release and that is all it is.

Bear says that this period of torment will be for as long as he decides and possibly will last until we meet again.

I have a vivid imagination, and can put things in my mind that have happened previously. When Bear describes something verbally or in writing, I can imagine it happening and I can sense the feelings I had or would have. As a result of this, erotic messaging or phone calls work well between us. I have a suggestive mind and can easily become highly aroused by Bear describing the things he will do to me. Once I have reached the state of arousal that he wants me to be at, descriptive words will stop and I will be left, horny and aching. Sometimes I am required to apply things to my intimate parts, tingly lubricants etc, in order to make my arousal last longer. Sometimes I am required to masturbate. Sometimes I am required to use a vibrator on myself. I am never allowed to orgasm without permission, and I am not given permission during my times of torment.

When we next speak, if Bear follows his usual pattern, he will bring the feelings back with some more explicit talk or texts, sometimes he doesn’t mention it at all for a day, and then torments me horrendously the next day to make up for giving me a day off.

We have realised over time, that getting me to a state of excitement, either when we are together or by long distance communication, then allowing the feeling to go, without me having a climax, means the next time I am aroused the feeling returns quicker, and stronger. By the end of a couple of days of moderate teasing, or a day of heavy teasing I am usually desperately horny, I ache deep inside and spend most of my day thinking of sex!

Bear enjoys tormenting me, he likes having control of how long I am sexually aroused for. I don’t dislike it in anyway, but sometimes it’s incredibly frustrating. Sometimes, when he is tormenting me, he teases just a little bit, giving me mild feelings, when I really just want it too be really, really sexual and horny. I want to scream at him “just get on with it” but I don’t. Sometimes he is really fully on from the start, and when I am gasping, he tones it right down so the urge passes, and I am left with an itch that hasn’t been scratched. He says that I become incredibly complaint when I am in torment. And he has on occasion managed to get me to promise to do things I wouldn’t normally do. (He never makes me keep those promises, he just really enjoys getting me into a condition where I will suggest them and promise to do them)

I find it difficult to describe the feelings I get, I suppose its like foreplay that lasts for longer, and is more intense. Bear enjoys tormenting me, he says it gives him pleasure to see me horny and know I will not get relief until he says I can. He says it shows him how much I respect him that I don’t find my pleasure without him.
Sometimes, during times of torment, I am allowed pleasure him, but I am not allowed release, Bear knows that I get pleasure from doing that so is reluctant to request it during torments as it relieves some of my frustration. So in a way he goes through the torment with me! it’s a blessing in a way, it means the torments don’t go on too long.

When my torment is over, and I am allowed to orgasm, usually they are immense, or I can have more than one and still take more. Bear enjoys seeing how many times he can give me release. It depends on which form of release I am given as to how the orgasm is. If he torments me and brings me to the edge several times, usually I just have one explosive orgasm. Sometimes Bear hasn’t finished tormenting me just yet and he will only excite me enough to have the smallest and gentlest of orgasms, enough to take the edge off, but not enough to satisfy my need. On those occasions he then has the fun of taking me there again and again, until I have had several, and my need is satisfied that way. Bear decides, I have no option, which ever way he does it, I am always happy that I have pleased him enough through my time of torment to be allowed the release at the end.

Decisions, decisions, decisions

Making decisions is not one of my greatest skills. I can make decisions about what to wear, or which way I am going to drive somewhere. What I will buy when I go shopping. Things that really only affect my life a little bit and decisions that can be altered later without a major issue, are easy to make.

The decisions I can’t make, are decisions which will have an impact on someone else, or decisions that someone else might disagree with, decisions that cannot be altered. I only eat in restaurants I am familiar with, partly because I am a bit weird about food, and partly because I can never decide what I am going to eat.

Bear has recognised that this is one of my weaknesses and chose some time ago that he would help me to be more comfortable when making decisions.

Once I had to decide wether we would take the bus or the train. Once I was told we would look at 3 eating places and I had to choose one, if I hadn’t made my choice by the time we reached number 4 we would eat in there even if it was a sushi bar (yuk)

Sometimes when we are being intimate, I have to choose where Bear will touch. I agonise over those decisions, in my mind, everything I do should be for his pleasure, every thing we do should be for him first, me second. Where should I choose, what would he prefer, would he prefer to touch my breast, or my bottom. Would he prefer to touch inside or outside. What if I decide one thing, and he really wanted to do another. What if my choice means I am denied a climax, or denied intimate touching. What if I choose something that he doesn’t want to do? I literally take ages deciding, to the point where Bear will often put a time limit on me and stop touching all together if I don’t make a decision.

In recent times I have become a little better, Bear will give me two options, and I have to choose one. I can usually do that reasonably easily. When he puts three options in, its harder for me.

Last Thursday Bear decided that I was due a task, and what a hard task it was. My task was to list the things we had discussed exploring over the last year, in order of preference. The thing I wanted to try most in number 1 position and the thing I wanted to try least in the bottom position. There has to be at least 5 things on the list. I only have until next Sunday to compile my list. So far my list has changed 11 times. I cannot decide which order to put the things in.

Bear made it a little easier last night by explaining that I could use “part” of an act. For example, I could say – don’t want to naked and tied to the four corners of the bed so I am on display, rather than grouping it all up in the loose term bondage. So, maybe i will be able to stop worrying that I will offend him by saying I don’t like something that I think he likes. My big fear is that the things on the bottom of my list, will be the things on the top of his list.

I know why Bear has asked me to make a list. Partly because he wants to know which area’s need careful handling, and also because it means I have to make a choice.